We were out of school today because of a snowstorm and we are out again tomorrow. With the roads so bad I didn't try to make it to the meeting on Sunday or today and I probably won't tomorrow unless the sun comes out and it gets really warm. I went on Saturday though. More and more people are coming and I'm meeting them each time I go. I really like Marianne. She is an older lady, about my age I guess. She has short dark hair and is tall and slender. I like her spirit. She has a happy soul.
Melinda and I talked yesterday about Mark. She doesn't think he's addicted. I'm pretty sure he is. Whether he is or not, he's very dependent and Al-Anon is helping me. When I don't go to the meetings, I read the books they give me and that helps.
So tonight, with a long night ahead and no Dexter to watch, I will settle in early and read.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
New people
I'm meeting more new people each time I go to Al-anon. Yesterday a lady named Shirley came, and Cassandra was back. Today, we had three I hadn't met - another Shirley, and Diane, and then Joseph came back - the preacher who is so full of love. Hannah was back - the lady who said she'd lost 2 children this year. The six of us had a great meeting.
Diane looks like she has lived pretty hard, but she dresses beautifully and seems to have a large vocabulary. Our group are from all walks of life.
Our meetings are very spiritual, but not religious. There is a lot of faith and love going on. Much faith in a higher power that most of us call God - yesterday Joseph referred to Him as Jehovah Jireh (God my provider).
On another note, I have to get back on my diet - I had lost 12 pounds and now I've probably gained about 3 of them back. But if I get right back on the diet and exercise, then they will drop off quickly. I have more to lose, so can't afford to put this off and get discouraged, now that I've found a diet I can stick to.
I need to start bringing these folks healthy snacks to eat! We snack on donut holes and cookies - not good!
I'd better get off the computer and get in bed - early call tomorrow - back at school.
Diane looks like she has lived pretty hard, but she dresses beautifully and seems to have a large vocabulary. Our group are from all walks of life.
Our meetings are very spiritual, but not religious. There is a lot of faith and love going on. Much faith in a higher power that most of us call God - yesterday Joseph referred to Him as Jehovah Jireh (God my provider).
On another note, I have to get back on my diet - I had lost 12 pounds and now I've probably gained about 3 of them back. But if I get right back on the diet and exercise, then they will drop off quickly. I have more to lose, so can't afford to put this off and get discouraged, now that I've found a diet I can stick to.
I need to start bringing these folks healthy snacks to eat! We snack on donut holes and cookies - not good!
I'd better get off the computer and get in bed - early call tomorrow - back at school.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Today's visit
Each Al-anon visit is different. Today there was the not-so-faint scent of cigarette smoke, and now my clothes smell that way. But you know what? That won't keep me away -- I need these people.
And Allen surprised me by showing up. I haven't heard what he thought of it yet - he's on his way home from Sam's Club, bringing me Mukluks.
I feel God's spirit in these people, and it is easy to love them. They really want to help me. I really want to be helped and then I want to help them if I can.
Yesterday on the phone, we spoke to a married couple, Gary and Diana, that we have known for about 15 years. Actually Allen has known them for over 40 years. They just called to wish us a happy New Year. And I just found out that both of them were alcoholics. Gary hasn't had a drink in 34 years. Diana I'm not sure about but being a nurse, she could get drugs, and her alcohol problem was compounded by other substance abuses. They both urged me to continue going to Al-Anon.
At church this morning, I felt the absence of my usual joy, and I missed it. Am I blaming God because my perfect little world is not so perfect anymore? How has He blessed me? Let me count the ways. I felt like saying, "How can I find joy in you Lord, when you've let this happen to Mark?" Then my granddaughters came running in and Melinda and I sang a duet that she had arranged just because I was so crazy about the song, and I was immediately reminded of how very blessed I am and how good God has been to me. Then Allen showed up to hear us and videotape our song. My precious husband. My precious loved ones. How very blessed I am, after all.
And Allen surprised me by showing up. I haven't heard what he thought of it yet - he's on his way home from Sam's Club, bringing me Mukluks.
I feel God's spirit in these people, and it is easy to love them. They really want to help me. I really want to be helped and then I want to help them if I can.
Yesterday on the phone, we spoke to a married couple, Gary and Diana, that we have known for about 15 years. Actually Allen has known them for over 40 years. They just called to wish us a happy New Year. And I just found out that both of them were alcoholics. Gary hasn't had a drink in 34 years. Diana I'm not sure about but being a nurse, she could get drugs, and her alcohol problem was compounded by other substance abuses. They both urged me to continue going to Al-Anon.
At church this morning, I felt the absence of my usual joy, and I missed it. Am I blaming God because my perfect little world is not so perfect anymore? How has He blessed me? Let me count the ways. I felt like saying, "How can I find joy in you Lord, when you've let this happen to Mark?" Then my granddaughters came running in and Melinda and I sang a duet that she had arranged just because I was so crazy about the song, and I was immediately reminded of how very blessed I am and how good God has been to me. Then Allen showed up to hear us and videotape our song. My precious husband. My precious loved ones. How very blessed I am, after all.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Al-anon meeting, continued
Today, I attended my second Al-anon meeting. There were a couple of people who were not there yesterday. Newman was there - he was the man who always begins the meetings. He is an old African-American gentleman, and he reads the 12 steps to us. I had trouble remembering his name - he said "Newman - I'm a new man!"
Debbie was there today so I met her, and another girl named Betty. I have trouble understanding Betty - she has a speech impediment. It makes me feel bad when I can't understand what she is trying to tell me. Hannah was not there today, and neither was Cassandra. Steve was there again. I think Steve's homeless - he comes in a warm-up suit and today he fell asleep during the meeting and snored a little bit. But that was OK with everyone. There was another African-American man - an older man who walked with a cane, and he used to be a preacher. He kept me focused on myself instead of on Mark, which is really what you're supposed to do. Al-Anon is for those who have alcoholics in their lives to find peace for themselves - so they don't just cry all the time like I was doing yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.
You would think that the first step, which is admitting that you are powerless against alcohol, would make you feel even worse. Instead, it set me free. No longer do I have to worry about what I should do or say to Mark. Because nothing I do or say will change anything anyway. Except the things I say to God in prayer. I do believe that prayer changes things. God can change Mark's heart. It has to be Mark's decision though. I just have to worry about myself - keeping myself healthy and loving. Over and over again, this man had to remind me to stop focusing on Mark. He kept saying, "What do YOU want for YOURSELF?" The answer - was peace. Peace of mind. Sure, it'll make me feel a whole lot better when Mark stops drinking. Until then, I focus on myself to get and stay healthy and full of love for others. Helping others and caring about them is a good way to help myself, too. Mark needs encouragement and love, but not money to buy stuff. He needs understanding but not approval.
I was in Hell for a few days - I don't ever want to go back there. Hannah lost 2 children this year, and she has peace. Or says she does. I asked her how she can have peace about that, and she just said she didn't know because it didn't come from her. So, there are things I don't understand but I'm trying to keep an open mind.
After I got home I called GeNeil from the car in the driveway and we prayed about Mark - we agreed in prayer for both Mark and her son Trey - for healing from the disease of alcoholism.
Debbie was there today so I met her, and another girl named Betty. I have trouble understanding Betty - she has a speech impediment. It makes me feel bad when I can't understand what she is trying to tell me. Hannah was not there today, and neither was Cassandra. Steve was there again. I think Steve's homeless - he comes in a warm-up suit and today he fell asleep during the meeting and snored a little bit. But that was OK with everyone. There was another African-American man - an older man who walked with a cane, and he used to be a preacher. He kept me focused on myself instead of on Mark, which is really what you're supposed to do. Al-Anon is for those who have alcoholics in their lives to find peace for themselves - so they don't just cry all the time like I was doing yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.
You would think that the first step, which is admitting that you are powerless against alcohol, would make you feel even worse. Instead, it set me free. No longer do I have to worry about what I should do or say to Mark. Because nothing I do or say will change anything anyway. Except the things I say to God in prayer. I do believe that prayer changes things. God can change Mark's heart. It has to be Mark's decision though. I just have to worry about myself - keeping myself healthy and loving. Over and over again, this man had to remind me to stop focusing on Mark. He kept saying, "What do YOU want for YOURSELF?" The answer - was peace. Peace of mind. Sure, it'll make me feel a whole lot better when Mark stops drinking. Until then, I focus on myself to get and stay healthy and full of love for others. Helping others and caring about them is a good way to help myself, too. Mark needs encouragement and love, but not money to buy stuff. He needs understanding but not approval.
I was in Hell for a few days - I don't ever want to go back there. Hannah lost 2 children this year, and she has peace. Or says she does. I asked her how she can have peace about that, and she just said she didn't know because it didn't come from her. So, there are things I don't understand but I'm trying to keep an open mind.
After I got home I called GeNeil from the car in the driveway and we prayed about Mark - we agreed in prayer for both Mark and her son Trey - for healing from the disease of alcoholism.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Al-anon meeting
Well that was very helpful and I feel better already. But it's not going to be easy. Somehow I have to let Mark know that money will no longer be forth-coming. The group thinks that he is drinking up the money instead of helping Jennifer.
Of course I have to realize that this group of people have dealt with hardened drug addicts who lie and use other people. I believe Mark when he says he is helping Jen. But I know he is spending a lot of money on his drinking too. I don't wish to help him do that.
They also think that Jennifer is addicted to the Vicadin (however you spell it!) and that her back problems are really between her ears. I don't agree with that either. I did let them know that she works to support herself. It doesn't matter what they think really, but somehow it does matter to me what they think and say about Jennifer and Mark. They mean well but they are wrong about Jennifer. Her back problems are real, just as mine were real a few years ago. However I do believe she has probably become addicted to the Vicadin - she has been taking it far too long.
The main thing I have to remember is to let go and let God, and more than just saying that, it has to get down into my heart where it really counts. Mark is a man. As much as I want to help him, I believe he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics lie and use people. That is not a part of Mark's personality but alcoholism changes the personalities of the people we love. Tough love is the name of what they are trying to help me do, and it is very difficult - it's not called tough love for nothing. He is probably going to get very angry with me when he visits and my bar is empty and I won't let him drink at my house. And I have to stay tough about it. He may not even want to come see me for a while. I have to keep the goal in mind that I'm not going to do anything to help him drink or to let him think it's OK.
Mark knows already that I am worried. He knows he's out of control on the drinking. I have not told him I know he's an alcoholic. He may not have admitted that to himself yet.
I'm taking it one day at a time - baby steps - can't handle the whole thing at once.
Of course I have to realize that this group of people have dealt with hardened drug addicts who lie and use other people. I believe Mark when he says he is helping Jen. But I know he is spending a lot of money on his drinking too. I don't wish to help him do that.
They also think that Jennifer is addicted to the Vicadin (however you spell it!) and that her back problems are really between her ears. I don't agree with that either. I did let them know that she works to support herself. It doesn't matter what they think really, but somehow it does matter to me what they think and say about Jennifer and Mark. They mean well but they are wrong about Jennifer. Her back problems are real, just as mine were real a few years ago. However I do believe she has probably become addicted to the Vicadin - she has been taking it far too long.
The main thing I have to remember is to let go and let God, and more than just saying that, it has to get down into my heart where it really counts. Mark is a man. As much as I want to help him, I believe he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics lie and use people. That is not a part of Mark's personality but alcoholism changes the personalities of the people we love. Tough love is the name of what they are trying to help me do, and it is very difficult - it's not called tough love for nothing. He is probably going to get very angry with me when he visits and my bar is empty and I won't let him drink at my house. And I have to stay tough about it. He may not even want to come see me for a while. I have to keep the goal in mind that I'm not going to do anything to help him drink or to let him think it's OK.
Mark knows already that I am worried. He knows he's out of control on the drinking. I have not told him I know he's an alcoholic. He may not have admitted that to himself yet.
I'm taking it one day at a time - baby steps - can't handle the whole thing at once.
Depression
I don't get depressed easily and I don't stay down long. But this is trying everyone's patience. My daughter Melinda says I'm jumping to conclusions and my husband says he's known for a long time that Mark was an alcoholic, and I should just face it and go on. But me - I've only just really realized it, or admitted it to myself, or whatever. My world has come tumbling in, and it's New Years Eve, and I don't think there are any al-anon meetings today or tomorrow. There's probably one at 3:00 on Sunday and I'll be there. The Al-anon folks are the only ones I can talk to about this, since Melinda won't admit it to herself and Allen doesn't understand.
I'd love to talk to Jennifer, Mark's love for the last fifteen years (and I believe still) but she has cut herself off from me. I want to e-mail her and ask her how long she has known, and how bad she thinks it is. I just don't want to hurt her anymore than she has already been hurt, and she doesn't need to get pulled back into this. I'm afraid as it is that she can trace my comment on her page to this blog, but at least that would be her choice and not mine. My name is signed Danielle but she wouldn't have to read but a few words to know it's really me, and she could stop reading right then and there and not get involved. Besides, Jennifer feels some kind of misplaced loyalty to Mark, not to tell me anything. She doesn't intentionally leave me out - she has begged Mark to tell me what is wrong - but she must have promised him that she wouldn't say anything to me herself. And anyway I don't think the alcoholism is all that is wrong here. But right now, that is what I'm most concerned about because it threatens his life daily.
I love Jennifer and will not knowingly do anything that could mar her healing process. And right now I am very, very weak and anything I might say could pull her back into the grieving process with me and that's not what I want. I am using as much will power as I have just to not e-mail her right now.
I could call her Mom, who I believe, ironically, knows everything about the situation concerning my son, but also feels powerless to tell me. I am going to try not to call her or e-mail her - what could she tell me but yes he is or no he's not, and I know he is already. I've seen two men I loved die from alcoholism. I know it when I see it.
Allen wants me to go on a picnic today and I probably should. I just want to go back to bed and bury my head in the pillows and sleep without thinking or hurting or weeping. I start crying and then cannot stop - it took me forever last night to even stop crying, and I had to finally get up and take a jigger of chocolate liqueur mixed with milk - isn't that even more ironic - when I probably should empty the whole liquor cabinet. I've always kept a perfectly stocked bar that I bought and built or put together all by myself - just to be a good hostess, because it's funny - I never drink from it except for last night. I don't like the taste of alcohol. Occasionally when one of us has a cough or respiratory problem I'll make a guggle muggle - an old Jewish recipe that calls for one teaspoon of brandy - but that's about it! Well, Mark really cleaned it out - all the whiskey is now gone - and I'm not replenishing it - bad hostess or no. Not only that, but the next time he comes, the whole thing will be cleaned out - the rum and wine and gin and everything. I'll pack it in boxes and put it in the garage!
I'm going to stop for now and get dressed and go and see if, hoping against hope, there might be an al-anon meeting at that little house today in spite of the fact that it's New Years Eve.
I'd love to talk to Jennifer, Mark's love for the last fifteen years (and I believe still) but she has cut herself off from me. I want to e-mail her and ask her how long she has known, and how bad she thinks it is. I just don't want to hurt her anymore than she has already been hurt, and she doesn't need to get pulled back into this. I'm afraid as it is that she can trace my comment on her page to this blog, but at least that would be her choice and not mine. My name is signed Danielle but she wouldn't have to read but a few words to know it's really me, and she could stop reading right then and there and not get involved. Besides, Jennifer feels some kind of misplaced loyalty to Mark, not to tell me anything. She doesn't intentionally leave me out - she has begged Mark to tell me what is wrong - but she must have promised him that she wouldn't say anything to me herself. And anyway I don't think the alcoholism is all that is wrong here. But right now, that is what I'm most concerned about because it threatens his life daily.
I love Jennifer and will not knowingly do anything that could mar her healing process. And right now I am very, very weak and anything I might say could pull her back into the grieving process with me and that's not what I want. I am using as much will power as I have just to not e-mail her right now.
I could call her Mom, who I believe, ironically, knows everything about the situation concerning my son, but also feels powerless to tell me. I am going to try not to call her or e-mail her - what could she tell me but yes he is or no he's not, and I know he is already. I've seen two men I loved die from alcoholism. I know it when I see it.
Allen wants me to go on a picnic today and I probably should. I just want to go back to bed and bury my head in the pillows and sleep without thinking or hurting or weeping. I start crying and then cannot stop - it took me forever last night to even stop crying, and I had to finally get up and take a jigger of chocolate liqueur mixed with milk - isn't that even more ironic - when I probably should empty the whole liquor cabinet. I've always kept a perfectly stocked bar that I bought and built or put together all by myself - just to be a good hostess, because it's funny - I never drink from it except for last night. I don't like the taste of alcohol. Occasionally when one of us has a cough or respiratory problem I'll make a guggle muggle - an old Jewish recipe that calls for one teaspoon of brandy - but that's about it! Well, Mark really cleaned it out - all the whiskey is now gone - and I'm not replenishing it - bad hostess or no. Not only that, but the next time he comes, the whole thing will be cleaned out - the rum and wine and gin and everything. I'll pack it in boxes and put it in the garage!
I'm going to stop for now and get dressed and go and see if, hoping against hope, there might be an al-anon meeting at that little house today in spite of the fact that it's New Years Eve.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Back again because it's therapeutic
Been really neglecting my blog! No one reads it so I should feel OK putting down all my thoughts.
I've lost 12 pounds! Feeling really good about that! Finally found a diet that works for me - Eating Clean by Tosca Reno.
I am thinking of someone today that I really miss but even though no one reads this, I won't put down her name just in case she finds my blog. I wrote on her blog today so I'm not sure how that works.
I've erased all the messages on my phone except for hers. Because she said she loved me. I only have 2 from her but got rid of the rest - I must have had 50 or 60 of them - never erased them until my husband finally taped them for me - my granddaughter's messages were on there from the time she was 2! I'm so incurably sentimental.
We're meeting the man who married us for lunch today at an Indian restaurant. Back on my diet for supper but will enjoy lunch!
A new year is about to begin! I am worried about my son and his drinking and I walk a very thin line between not dealing with it at all and trying not to say too much. I went to an al-anon meeting yesterday - or thought I was - I went to the wrong entrance and ended up in an alcoholics anonymous meeting instead - they meet at the same time. Still I took notes as they shared with one another. So healthy their discussions! They are growing. Alcoholism is a symptom of another problem, and they are learning to deal with the first problems as well as their alcoholism. As I say, I took notes. What makes him feel bad - what kinds of things do we do and say that cause him pain without our realizing? What kinds of healthy things can I say to my son to help him, without sounding like I'm preaching or making him feel ashamed or angry or defensive? What can I say to inspire him to love himself enough to discipline himself more?
You'd think being a counselor I'd know more, but when it comes to someone you really love to distraction, it gets in the way and you don't function nearly as well as you would professionally.
Enough for today. I am going to start writing more on this blog. I've been afraid of people seeing it, but I don't think anyone even knows how to find me except my son and he's probably forgotten.
I've lost 12 pounds! Feeling really good about that! Finally found a diet that works for me - Eating Clean by Tosca Reno.
I am thinking of someone today that I really miss but even though no one reads this, I won't put down her name just in case she finds my blog. I wrote on her blog today so I'm not sure how that works.
I've erased all the messages on my phone except for hers. Because she said she loved me. I only have 2 from her but got rid of the rest - I must have had 50 or 60 of them - never erased them until my husband finally taped them for me - my granddaughter's messages were on there from the time she was 2! I'm so incurably sentimental.
We're meeting the man who married us for lunch today at an Indian restaurant. Back on my diet for supper but will enjoy lunch!
A new year is about to begin! I am worried about my son and his drinking and I walk a very thin line between not dealing with it at all and trying not to say too much. I went to an al-anon meeting yesterday - or thought I was - I went to the wrong entrance and ended up in an alcoholics anonymous meeting instead - they meet at the same time. Still I took notes as they shared with one another. So healthy their discussions! They are growing. Alcoholism is a symptom of another problem, and they are learning to deal with the first problems as well as their alcoholism. As I say, I took notes. What makes him feel bad - what kinds of things do we do and say that cause him pain without our realizing? What kinds of healthy things can I say to my son to help him, without sounding like I'm preaching or making him feel ashamed or angry or defensive? What can I say to inspire him to love himself enough to discipline himself more?
You'd think being a counselor I'd know more, but when it comes to someone you really love to distraction, it gets in the way and you don't function nearly as well as you would professionally.
Enough for today. I am going to start writing more on this blog. I've been afraid of people seeing it, but I don't think anyone even knows how to find me except my son and he's probably forgotten.
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