Depression

I don't get depressed easily and I don't stay down long. But this is trying everyone's patience. My daughter Melinda says I'm jumping to conclusions and my husband says he's known for a long time that Mark was an alcoholic, and I should just face it and go on. But me - I've only just really realized it, or admitted it to myself, or whatever. My world has come tumbling in, and it's New Years Eve, and I don't think there are any al-anon meetings today or tomorrow. There's probably one at 3:00 on Sunday and I'll be there. The Al-anon folks are the only ones I can talk to about this, since Melinda won't admit it to herself and Allen doesn't understand.
I'd love to talk to Jennifer, Mark's love for the last fifteen years (and I believe still) but she has cut herself off from me. I want to e-mail her and ask her how long she has known, and how bad she thinks it is. I just don't want to hurt her anymore than she has already been hurt, and she doesn't need to get pulled back into this. I'm afraid as it is that she can trace my comment on her page to this blog, but at least that would be her choice and not mine. My name is signed Danielle but she wouldn't have to read but a few words to know it's really me, and she could stop reading right then and there and not get involved. Besides, Jennifer feels some kind of misplaced loyalty to Mark, not to tell me anything. She doesn't intentionally leave me out - she has begged Mark to tell me what is wrong - but she must have promised him that she wouldn't say anything to me herself. And anyway I don't think the alcoholism is all that is wrong here. But right now, that is what I'm most concerned about because it threatens his life daily.
I love Jennifer and will not knowingly do anything that could mar her healing process. And right now I am very, very weak and anything I might say could pull her back into the grieving process with me and that's not what I want. I am using as much will power as I have just to not e-mail her right now.
I could call her Mom, who I believe, ironically, knows everything about the situation concerning my son, but also feels powerless to tell me. I am going to try not to call her or e-mail her - what could she tell me but yes he is or no he's not, and I know he is already. I've seen two men I loved die from alcoholism. I know it when I see it.
Allen wants me to go on a picnic today and I probably should. I just want to go back to bed and bury my head in the pillows and sleep without thinking or hurting or weeping. I start crying and then cannot stop - it took me forever last night to even stop crying, and I had to finally get up and take a jigger of chocolate liqueur mixed with milk - isn't that even more ironic - when I probably should empty the whole liquor cabinet. I've always kept a perfectly stocked bar that I bought and built or put together all by myself - just to be a good hostess, because it's funny - I never drink from it except for last night. I don't like the taste of alcohol. Occasionally when one of us has a cough or respiratory problem I'll make a guggle muggle - an old Jewish recipe that calls for one teaspoon of brandy - but that's about it! Well, Mark really cleaned it out - all the whiskey is now gone - and I'm not replenishing it - bad hostess or no. Not only that, but the next time he comes, the whole thing will be cleaned out - the rum and wine and gin and everything. I'll pack it in boxes and put it in the garage!
I'm going to stop for now and get dressed and go and see if, hoping against hope, there might be an al-anon meeting at that little house today in spite of the fact that it's New Years Eve.